I. Locker Room Turkey

  A. Day Prior Meditation Marination
    1) Filtered Water (4.5 liters)
    2) Turkey Thaw (1 liter)
    3) Raw Sugar: Sea Salt (1 cup [2:1 ratio])
    4) Sage Leaves (stemmed; 1 ounce)
    5) Jacuzzi Rolling (45 minutes)
       a. cool to room temperature
       b. strain sage and scum
    6) Turkey (soak overnight; 12.5 pounds)

  B. Before Suiting Up, Deep Massage
      (beneath the skin)
    1) Sage Salve Rub
       a. butter (melted)
       b. corn starch
       c. marinate (ladle as thickness needed)
       d. sage leaves (minced)
    2) Bacon Bandage Tape (under skin)

II. Kickoff Gravy

 A. Giblets (coarsely minced)
   1) Liver
   2) Gizzard
   3) Heart

 B. Ladles of Liquid Marinate (boiled)
   1) Garlic Clove (crushed)
   2) Corn Starch
   3) Giblets

III. Huddle Casserole

"Now pay attention, guys."

"Oven. Hey, Oven! [helmet whack] Quick snap. Preheat 375°."

"Onion--wing left, motion organic. Cut halfway, then sliver up the sideline." (1 large, sautéed)

"Wing right, Capellini. Go long, slippery-string." (olive oil)

"Fennel, bulb: quick slant-hook, wait, then run down the middle."
(2 bulbs, sautéed)

"Muenster, fake handoff, hole one. Cube the linebacker."

"What? Forget you Egg! Stay in the backfield and block for a change!"

"Ready?! Break!!!

"Whoa! HOLD UP!!"

"Peeled! Yams boiled, mashed!"
"Peeled! Yams boiled, mashed!"
"Peeled! Yams boiled, mashed!"

"Lemon Juice, squeeze on..."
"White Squishy Bread blocks: toasted croutons!"

"Yogurt plain!"
"Yogurt plain!"
"Yogurt plain!"

"Hut! Hut-hut!!"

  B. Cranberry Peas
    1) Water [clap-clap]. Filtered [clap-clap].
    2) Filtered [clap-clap]. Water [clap-clap].
    3) Cranberries [clap-clap]. Parboiled [clap-clap].
    4) Cranberries [clap-clap]. Pressed [clap-clap].
    5) P. E. A. S. Stir in! Stir in!!
    6) Cran-peas [clap-clap]. Warm 'em [clap-clap].
    7) Cran-peas [clap-clap]. Warm 'em [clap-clap].
    8) WOO!!!

"Nice goin' out there, fellahs."

"Hear me now."

"We've got four more weeks to get to the Bowl."

"Let's not get too full of ourselves!"

"Tonight, light-n-easy."

"Naughty, or nice!"